The Femme Files

Me, Myself and I and your Relationship.

Growing up, I always dreamt that the most beautiful day of my life would see me decked in white, walking down the aisles of church getting wed to a wonderful man.

Yes, I was probably about four years old at the time and knew little, if not nothing, about relationships, but that mattered not. What was firm was that marrying my prince charming would show that I had achieved something great in life, like for most women and men; I had secured a significant other. No, I was never told that I would be ‘secure’ in finding the one, but the memo was clear, a positive life path involved getting that guy.

 What was also apparent was the sense of pity associated with those who had no ‘security’, ‘…she’s thirty five and has no partner….do you think she wants to get married?’

Vulnerable as I was, I became ingrained with the idea that my sense of self worth would arise tenfold if I were able to snag the one. (Even better if I multitasked and managed to secure a significant man with significant money)

It comes as no surprise then that I have honestly been in strong relationships (no series of flings here and there) since I was sixteen. With hindsight, I can see it really wasn’t about whom I was going out with just as long as I was with someone. Never once, did I actually consider if I was really happy and if this other guy valued my aspirations. I simply wanted to be with someone, regardless of who they were.

This pattern has been perpetuated by many a friend. A guy shows he likes someone, pursues the girl, girl is flattered and then a relationship ensues. More often than not these relationships fail as they are about finding security with someone as opposed to fashioning a fantastic relationship.

The recent spate of break ups among my friends has encouraged (ergo suitably forced) me to don the relationship councillor shoes in an attempt to heave these beautiful girls up from their feet and in doing so I have realised the error of many of our ways. Instead of focusing on ‘the finding a relationship’, start nurturing who you want to attract. Stop trying to get him to commit if he isn’t the guy you want to commit to. Stop swaying him to believe you are all he needs if he isn’t all you want.  

Happiness and a sense of security does not derive from being secured to the one. Your purpose is to become the best version of you and in doing so you will stop focusing on getting any guy but rather a guy who brings out the best in you. 

What do you think girls…know anyone who is a serial offender? (Hands up if it’s you!)