The Femme Files

The Two For One Deal: When dating your man comes with a side of mother’s interference…

Now, don’t think I sit around thinking twisted thoughts – but this week while talking to a marriage celebrant, the topic of incestuous relationships came up. She said that in her years as a celebrant, she had married several couples that were blood relations. If you aren’t aware what an incestuous relationship is then the line – “Hey Daisy, if we get a divorce are we still gonna be brother and sister?” will paint the picture.

 Though typically incestuous relations are sexual in nature and occur between siblings or first cousins, there is another type that isn’t, but occurs much more frequently.

Emotional incest, as it is termed, is when a parent is too emotionally involved in their son or daughter’s life. Though there are varying degrees of it, one of the most common and relevant to a female’s relationship woes is the case of the mamma’s boy.

 A mamma’s boy is defined as “A boy or man characterized by unusual closeness to his mother or that is excessively attached to his mother at an age when men are expected to be independent (e.g. live on their own, be emotionally and/or economically independent)”.

 Though a mamma’s boy may seem harmless, tread with caution when entering in a relationship with one. At first, it seems appealing dating a man who loves and respects his mother because that generally means he loves and respects women – and there is merit to this. Researchers from the US have found a correlation between men who are close to their mums and women who are satisfied with their partners.

However, if you feel that you’ve become entangled with man who is entangled with his mother, you may be dealing with a case of emotional incest. As freaky and Jerry Springer as it sounds, it is quite common. Generally the premise for the overbearing mum and attached son occurring is:

-the father was missing, chronically ill, dead

 -the father was irresponsible, immature or unable to provide guidance

-the mother was victimized or controlled by other family members

-the mother or father were addicts, depressed or had mental health issues

Family life is never perfect. We all have issues. The thing that makes dating mamma’s boys so difficult is that they may never be aware of their issues. Their mother has safeguarded them or perhaps put her son on a pedestal so as to never lose their affection. For her, her son is her world so if she criticises him, she risks losing him. Because of the “you’re never wrong” complex, studies have shown that men significantly bonded to their mothers often feel too special to change when confronted with their issues.

 Wow, doesn’t that sound familiar- dating a man who is never inclined to change when confronted with his issues? They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but maybe because they were trying with a dog who was a bitch’s boy.

 So what is a single female to do?

 Throw caution to the wind when dating. If you meet a man who still lives at home, this is an obvious indicator that he’s a mama’s boy. If you choose to get involved, your fears will be confirmed when your man constantly asks his mum for her opinion or when he takes her opinion over yours.

 Debra Mandel, Ph.D., author of “Dump That Chump: From Doormat to Diva in Only Nine Steps – A Guide to Getting Over Mr Wrong”, explains, “A guy with a healthy relationship with his mother can say “no” to her, make choices and decisions on his own, have an intimate relationship with a woman without his mother’s interference.” If he can’t do this or worse, he doesn’t defend you or stick up to his mum… get out now or be prepared for a lifelong battle…with you always on the loser’s side. 

 Femmefile readers, can you tell us of your experience with a mama’s boy?